Tag Archives: Relationships

Younger women a threat?

8 Jul


What If

I have always looked for older men, but now find myself in love with a man a few years my junior.  I have not been this happy since my kids were born.  He is very tender and loving, and his family has accepted me with open arms.

I wonder, though, if he will get bored and look for a younger woman in a few years.  Am I the only older woman who thinks this?


Dear Doris,

First read this link on lasting relationships.  Hopefully you have some of the characteristics described in that post.  They should help you deal with insecurities about the relationship like this one.

After that, the best thing for you to do in this situation is to analyze the reasons why you feel worried.  Do you believe you are too old for him?  Do you think you will get bored of him in a few years (presumably he ages as well right)?  Has he exhibited a penchant for leaving older women for younger (doesn’t sound like it)?  I think you have a good thing going right now and have invented something to worry about.  Have you talked to him about this concern?  He might be able to reassure you that isn’t likely to happen.  Hopefully the two of you can push past it knowing you have found a good man who treats you with love.

On the off chance I’m wrong and he does want to sleep with younger women eventually you should consider opening the relationship as an alternative to ending the relationship.  Good Luck.


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at dearpoly@gmail.com  I’d love to hear from you!


Definition of a successful relationship

12 Jun

What is the bar set at for a successful relationship?  Generally a successful relationship in the mono world (and sometimes the poly world) is that it last forever.  Anything short of life mates is considered a failure in the holy grail quest for a life partner.  It’s very difficult to meet this bar.  I think we are better off redefining our expectations about successful relationships to include short relationships.  Very few relationships can last forever and defining everything else as failure is incredibly negative.

I would define successful relationships as one where you are able to be yourself and interact in a ethical, responsible and mature fashion.  You get a chance to be yoursefl and connect with someone on an emotional and hopefully physical level.  If the relationship ends, the separation isn’t full of bile and ugly feelings (which mostly is accomplished through being responsible and mature DURING the relationship).  If all those conditions are satisfied I can look back fondly at the relationship.  I can have fond memories of our good times together and the experience of getting to know a new person.  Hopefully I’ll minimize the incompatibilities and negative aspects of the relationship.  With this more forgiving definition I’ll be excited to experience the next successful relationship.


The crushing weight of monogamous first dates

11 Jun

Picture a nice first coffee date.  You got all dressed up to meet a guy you met online.  You had some good conversation and he was super hot with his bald head and construction worker hard body.  On the way home you start thinking, could I bring this person home to Mom?  Can I see myself having children with him?  What about religion? Do we have compatible attitudes towards finance?  If you are monogamous some of these questions run through your head for EVERY guy you date.  Since you only get to have one life partner there really isn’t room for dating anyone other than someone who fits all the really important categories for you.

Thank god I’m poly.  I believe in organic relationships.  This means I let relationships evolve into whatever they were meant to be without imposing artificial culturally prescribed structures onto them.  In poly you can have a serious long term partner who you bring home to parents and have children with.  But you also get to have a lover you see once a month on business trips, a weekly dancing + sex date and any other permutation you can think of that you want.  When I go on a first date I’m just looking to have a good time.  The relationship might end there or it might go on for months or forever.  The expectations are much more reasonable and rational than the expectations of a monogamous person (whether they are consciously recognized or not).  Cheers to all those who already have experienced the joy of an expectationless first date!