Tag Archives: Compersion

You need one of these three things to survive jealousy…

2 Jul

Lots of time I hear monogamous people ask how poly people deal with jealousy over other partners.   Typically after discussing compersion and the benefits we both get from multiple partners the conversation shifts to security.  How can you trust that your partner won’t run away with the hot guy from the gym or that cute waitress?  I tend to point out that these concerns aren’t just poly concerns since mono-relationships end similarly, but then I suggest there are three things that prevent jealousy from overwhelming you.  If you don’t have one of these three things I believe Polyamory isn’t for you.  You will never be able to let the love of your life enjoy new relationships.   This is particularly relevant for couples thinking of opening their relationship.

The three things are as follows:

Confidence in yourself.  This means you feel that you are an attractive, fun, caring partner worthy of love.  This means you value yourself and you know you offer something unique to your partner.  The shared experiences between the two have created a connection that is not easily replicated.  This confidence provides a buffer against worrying over other relationships.  You feel safe letting your partner explore because you know you are someone special.

Faith in your partner.   This means you believe with religious fervor in your partners ability to love you.  You don’t necessarily have the confidence in yourself.  You might not always be able to see in yourself what they see in you but you always trust that they love you and will give your relationship the respect and care it’s due.  In this situation you don’t mind them going out with other people because you believe that they will always be there for you and take care of your relationship.

Being a whole person on your own.  This means you can operate in the world and be happy on your own without a partner.  You understand that there are lots of people in the world and the loss of a partner doesn’t end your life (though it may feel like it sometimes).   This helps deal with jealousy because ultimately you understand that you will always be ok even if your existing partner leaves.  I’m not saying it won’t hurt and that you won’t cry a million tears (I have).  I’m just saying you will heal and even on your own you are fundamentally ok.

I’ve known people successful at poly relationship that have one or two of these three things.  I’ve also known a lot of monogamous couples who didn’t have these qualities, attempted to open the relationship and ended up leaving the relationship.  Hopefully you have a few of these traits and if not perhaps you can start cultivating them.  Good luck.

Poly

If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at dearpoly@gmail.com  I’d love to hear from you!

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