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Younger women a threat?

8 Jul

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/RelationshipAdviceAgeDifference.htm

What If

I have always looked for older men, but now find myself in love with a man a few years my junior.  I have not been this happy since my kids were born.  He is very tender and loving, and his family has accepted me with open arms.

I wonder, though, if he will get bored and look for a younger woman in a few years.  Am I the only older woman who thinks this?

Doris

Dear Doris,

First read this link on lasting relationships.  Hopefully you have some of the characteristics described in that post.  They should help you deal with insecurities about the relationship like this one.

After that, the best thing for you to do in this situation is to analyze the reasons why you feel worried.  Do you believe you are too old for him?  Do you think you will get bored of him in a few years (presumably he ages as well right)?  Has he exhibited a penchant for leaving older women for younger (doesn’t sound like it)?  I think you have a good thing going right now and have invented something to worry about.  Have you talked to him about this concern?  He might be able to reassure you that isn’t likely to happen.  Hopefully the two of you can push past it knowing you have found a good man who treats you with love.

On the off chance I’m wrong and he does want to sleep with younger women eventually you should consider opening the relationship as an alternative to ending the relationship.  Good Luck.

Poly

If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at dearpoly@gmail.com  I’d love to hear from you!

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Swingers next door! Mmmmm….

4 Jul

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2309001/Rowan-Pellings-sex-advice-Im-embarrassed–I-think-new-friends-swingers.html

Question: My husband and I recently met another couple through our children’s school PTA meetings, and we instantly hit it off.

They’ve asked us round for dinner and a movie, but now another friend has told us they’re swingers.

I’m anxious I might have misread their intentions; the wife is very tactile and keeps telling me I’m attractive. How can I back out without causing offence?

Prude

Dear Prude,

You probably have not misread their intentions.  Casual touching and being tactile is the way you show interest in being physically intimate with someone.  Is that so bad?  Generally speaking I think it’s nice when people find me attractive even when I’m not interested.  That said if you aren’t interested it’s not a big deal.  Most people can be friends with someone with a different religion.  Swingers have friend they don’t sleep with.  It’s not that big a deal.

Why not just ask if they are swingers and how that lifestyle has worked for them?  You can listen politely and perhaps learn a few things and then say you aren’t interested but are happy it works for them.  Hopefully you can still enjoy their company as friends.  Good luck.

Poly

If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at dearpoly@gmail.com  I’d love to hear from you!

Crappy sex, should I leave?

3 Jul

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2291280/Rowan-Pellings-sex-advice-column-Help-My-man-bores-bed.html

QUESTION: My sex life with my boyfriend of a year is dull because he only ever wants to have sex in the same position. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he shies away from intimate conversations. I love him and don’t want to end the relationship, but I can’t bear such routine love-making.

Bored

Dear Bored,

It’s sad when people have trouble addressing issues.  I think this is one that should be workable.  Have you told him how important it is that you have a fulfilling sex life?  This is different than suggesting different positions.  You need to make sure he understands the importance of the issue for you and that it may soon become a deal breaker.  How much experience does he have?  Is it significantly different than yours?  Maybe is self-conscious due to lack of experience.  It’s difficult for lots of people to talk about intimate acts.  I’m particularly talkative both during and after because I feel like communication aids you ability to become a fulfilling lover.  However for some of my lovers it’s very new to talk about sex at all.

Some people might feel like bad sex isn’t worth leaving a relationship over.  Personally I think unless you are in an open relationship when you can get your physical needs met elsewhere bad sex is a definite deal breaker.  Don’t feel bad for needing more than he is able to provide if it ends up going this way.  Good luck,

Poly

If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at dearpoly@gmail.com  I’d love to hear from you!

You need one of these three things to survive jealousy…

2 Jul

Lots of time I hear monogamous people ask how poly people deal with jealousy over other partners.   Typically after discussing compersion and the benefits we both get from multiple partners the conversation shifts to security.  How can you trust that your partner won’t run away with the hot guy from the gym or that cute waitress?  I tend to point out that these concerns aren’t just poly concerns since mono-relationships end similarly, but then I suggest there are three things that prevent jealousy from overwhelming you.  If you don’t have one of these three things I believe Polyamory isn’t for you.  You will never be able to let the love of your life enjoy new relationships.   This is particularly relevant for couples thinking of opening their relationship.

The three things are as follows:

Confidence in yourself.  This means you feel that you are an attractive, fun, caring partner worthy of love.  This means you value yourself and you know you offer something unique to your partner.  The shared experiences between the two have created a connection that is not easily replicated.  This confidence provides a buffer against worrying over other relationships.  You feel safe letting your partner explore because you know you are someone special.

Faith in your partner.   This means you believe with religious fervor in your partners ability to love you.  You don’t necessarily have the confidence in yourself.  You might not always be able to see in yourself what they see in you but you always trust that they love you and will give your relationship the respect and care it’s due.  In this situation you don’t mind them going out with other people because you believe that they will always be there for you and take care of your relationship.

Being a whole person on your own.  This means you can operate in the world and be happy on your own without a partner.  You understand that there are lots of people in the world and the loss of a partner doesn’t end your life (though it may feel like it sometimes).   This helps deal with jealousy because ultimately you understand that you will always be ok even if your existing partner leaves.  I’m not saying it won’t hurt and that you won’t cry a million tears (I have).  I’m just saying you will heal and even on your own you are fundamentally ok.

I’ve known people successful at poly relationship that have one or two of these three things.  I’ve also known a lot of monogamous couples who didn’t have these qualities, attempted to open the relationship and ended up leaving the relationship.  Hopefully you have a few of these traits and if not perhaps you can start cultivating them.  Good luck.

Poly

If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at dearpoly@gmail.com  I’d love to hear from you!

Too much anger

17 Jun

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/RelationshipAdviceAnger.htm

Spoiled The Child

My boyfriend is gentle and kind, loving and respectful.  Ninety-eight percent of the time everything is perfect.  Once in awhile his temper flares.  Then he curses, screams, and throws things.

He never harms me, but it is scary.  I don’t know what to do to calm him down.  He suggested talking to his mother, which I did, but she used to just leave and take a walk.  We are talking marriage, but I don’t want to consider children with him if his anger isn’t controlled.

Evette

Dear Evette,

Why not ask for him to go to therapy?  It’s a tool in the toolbox meant for situation that are out of your ability to manage.  This seems like a perfect opportunity for you to broach the topic.  Come from a position of love.  Say you are concerned with the way he deals with conflict and think a therapist might be a way to come up with an alternate way to process those moments.  Say you can’t handle this yourself but there are people who have had years of experience in school and practice dealing with these issues.  Hopefully he loves you and is willing to commit to self-improvement on this issue.  Good luck,

Poly

Why wait for a proposal?

13 Jun

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-the-antsy-feeling-of-waiting-for-a-proposal/2013/06/12/f61c2314-c8a4-11e2-9f1a-1a7cdee20287_story.html

How do I get past the feeling that I’m WAITING for my boyfriend to propose? I feel ready for and excited about marrying him, but I recognize and respect that he needs more time. While I am about 90 percent sure an engagement will happen eventually, and am trying to be patient, I can’t get past this antsy feeling. I’m sure this is all too common, especially among people in their late 20s.

Anywhere, USA

Dear Anywhere,

Why wait?  If you are 90% certain it sounds like you haven’t had a real conversation about marriage and are just hoping.  Why not have a simple conversation about it?  Try and see if he views you as someone he could one day marry?  Figure out what his timeline for marriage might be?  Let him know you love him and are ready for that kind of commitment but are happy to continue as is until he feels the same way.  Hopefully life is great for you right now (if it’s not marriage won’t help).  Just enjoy it and hopefully one day enjoy getting married.

Poly

Marraige phobia

9 Jun

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/topiccommitmentphobia.htm

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half.  He was married for four years, and from what I’ve been told, it was a pretty bad marriage.  I’ve never been married.

I have a daughter, 2, from a previous relationship.  I now have a 5-week-old boy with my current boyfriend.  We act like we are married, but marriage doesn’t seem to be getting any closer.  I want to get married so badly, but anytime I bring it up he gets defensive and ignores me.

I’m starting to think it will never happen.  Why can’t he just commit?

Daryn

Dear Daryn,

It sounds like the real problem is you can’t have a conversation about marriage.  I mean if you can’t even have the conversation it’s difficult to know what’s going on.  Does he know that you really value marriage?  Have you thought about why that changes things for you?  What does it mean and why is it important?  These are questions you should know the answer too in order to have a productive conversation with him.

On his side he should try and talk to you about why he doesn’t want to get married.  Is he scarred from his earlier marriage?  It sounds like it was a terrible one.  Perhaps he can see a therapist to work through some of those issues?  Does he want to live the rest of his life with you?  Hopefully he does and the issues are his and not ones with the relationship itself.  A lot of guys are hesitant to commit to relationships where they aren’t as happy as they would like.

Finally when you say, “Why can’t he just commit?” it dismisses his feelings and behaviors as trite.  You need to adjust your mindset to help him (and you) figure out what the real issue is behind him not wanting to get married.  It’s difficult to provide a space where he can do that if you have an aggressive or accusatory tone.  Good luck.

Poly