Judge people by their actions

6 Jun

I’ve been with my boyfriend, James, for almost two years. We lived together for about four months until he left me. I moved to a different state, and he recently moved to the same state. We do not live together at the moment. It tore me apart when James left. My father had left me a bunch of times when I was younger, so being abandoned is nothing new to me. My boyfriend says he is sorry and that he won’t do it again. He wants me to move in with him.On top of that, James cheated on me when we were in different states. I was even more torn. He says he is sorry about that too. During video chats and phone calls, I’ve heard and seen him cry. He says he messed up and made big mistakes and has learned his lesson.

I just want to know someone’s opinion. Would he ever do any of those things again? Would he ever leave or cheat on me again if we were married?

– How do I know he won’t hurt me again?, California

Cali,

Yes he most cheaters and leaves will probably do those things again.  Generally speaking people don’t change.  Why do you think marriage would change things?  It’s very easy for James to make promises and say things will get better.  He will never cheat again.  He will never leave again.  He is sorry.  Really apologies are fairly worthless.  Pretend for a minute you had a choice between apologies without behaviors changing or no apology but the unacceptable behavior changed in the future.  Which would you choose?  I think everyone would choose for behaviors to change without the apology.  An apology is soothing but behavior change prevents injury in the future.  So what to do?  It’s difficult to answer absolutely.  Some things can only be resolved experientially.  I think you should attempt to trust him but be wary and ready to cut and run if he is unable to change and runs or cheats again.

I’m not sure why you think marriage will change things?  James will be the same person the day before and the day after your wedding.  Try not to think of getting married (or having a baby) as a miracle pill that will solve issues between you.  Good luck.

Poly

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