People don’t change…

3 Jun

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blog/2013/05/will_she_ever_change.html

I met this girl in college. She was an out-of-state student and was seeing someone at home. We became very good friends and started flirting with each other. Eventually, we started sleeping together. I was still mourning the end of a serious relationship and was not even considering dating this girl. I started to pull back when she seemed to want more attention than I wanted to give her. She started to go out with another guy (while still seeing the guy in her home state). It was at this point that I realized that I liked her — because I was jealous.

I told her how I felt and she said the feeling was mutual so she stopped seeing the new guy. The last time she went home, she broke up with her boyfriend, so now it’s just me. Thing is, this girl flirts with every (or almost every) decent looking man, she lies or tells half-truths, and she gets violent whenever we argue. The worst thing is that she is in denial about all of these things. She has had 13 boyfriends in her past. She’s very nice, pretty, business-oriented like myself, and we definitely have a connection. Even though my gut feeling tells me to dump her, something within me thinks she has changed. She has confessed to a crazy past (being boy crazy, always getting drunk). Do people change?

– Do People Change?, Nashua

Dear Nashua,

What a disaster.  First off if you don’t want to partner with a cheater then you shouldn’t go screw girls who already have a boyfriend.  Do you see the problem inherent in the situation?  “It was at this point that I realized that I liked her — because I was jealous. ”  Just because you are jealous doesn’t mean you like her.  It just means you didn’t like her with other guys.  Really the thing to do at that point is to analyze how you feel and figure out where the jealousy comes from.  Did it come up because you feel insecure about yourself?  Are you fundamentally only satisfied if people derive their happiness from you?  Did you feel like the new guy wasn’t special enough to warrant her attention (that’s her choice not yours).  That moment seems like a fantastic chance for some personal development.

Ok, back to the here and now.  You have a slutty girlfriend who is a shameless flirt and has a solid history of cheating on boyfriends.   She also lies and has no skills in dealing with relationship conflict.  She also won’t recognize any of this because she is in denial.  She sounds like a fucking disaster.  Just for practice you should sit her down and talk to her about the relationship.  Set some boundaries around behaviors you find unacceptable.  Let her know you are serious and need changes in the relationship to continue to see her.    When she walks all over you some more, leave with the knowledge that you handled the conflict in a mature fashion and the experience will aid you in the next relationship (which hopefully won’t have the same start as this one).

“something within me thinks she has changed”  You are overly optimistic there.  Don’t be crazy.  People don’t (rarely) change and almost never when you want them too.  Thankful there are sane people out there that you won’t have to change.  This one had drama written all over it from the start.  Good luck.

Poly

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One Response to “People don’t change…”

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  1. Don’t Play Pygmalion | Women in Contemporary Relationships - July 14, 2013

    […] People don’t change… (dearpoly.com) […]

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