Younger women a threat?

8 Jul

What If

I have always looked for older men, but now find myself in love with a man a few years my junior.  I have not been this happy since my kids were born.  He is very tender and loving, and his family has accepted me with open arms.

I wonder, though, if he will get bored and look for a younger woman in a few years.  Am I the only older woman who thinks this?


Dear Doris,

First read this link on lasting relationships.  Hopefully you have some of the characteristics described in that post.  They should help you deal with insecurities about the relationship like this one.

After that, the best thing for you to do in this situation is to analyze the reasons why you feel worried.  Do you believe you are too old for him?  Do you think you will get bored of him in a few years (presumably he ages as well right)?  Has he exhibited a penchant for leaving older women for younger (doesn’t sound like it)?  I think you have a good thing going right now and have invented something to worry about.  Have you talked to him about this concern?  He might be able to reassure you that isn’t likely to happen.  Hopefully the two of you can push past it knowing you have found a good man who treats you with love.

On the off chance I’m wrong and he does want to sleep with younger women eventually you should consider opening the relationship as an alternative to ending the relationship.  Good Luck.


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at  I’d love to hear from you!


Why are trumpeter swans so amazing?

5 Jul

Have you ever had someone tell you, “Trumpeter swans mate for life!  Isn’t that so cool.”  It’s a statement that reinforces monogamous value sets.  However I personally think it does just the opposite.

The reason people point out the trumpeter swam as a monogamous animal is because 99% of the animal kingdom is NOT monogamous.  In all arenas of the animal kingdom sexual exclusivity is rare, not the norm.  Even in socially monogamous species, species whose male/female partners pair to raise offspring, the majority of those are not sexually exclusive.  90% of birds are socially monogamous while 30% of eggs in a nest are sired by someone other than the resident male.  Given the overwhelming evidence that the animal kingdom is largely non-monogamous, which do you think humans are?


Swingers next door! Mmmmm….

4 Jul–I-think-new-friends-swingers.html

Question: My husband and I recently met another couple through our children’s school PTA meetings, and we instantly hit it off.

They’ve asked us round for dinner and a movie, but now another friend has told us they’re swingers.

I’m anxious I might have misread their intentions; the wife is very tactile and keeps telling me I’m attractive. How can I back out without causing offence?


Dear Prude,

You probably have not misread their intentions.  Casual touching and being tactile is the way you show interest in being physically intimate with someone.  Is that so bad?  Generally speaking I think it’s nice when people find me attractive even when I’m not interested.  That said if you aren’t interested it’s not a big deal.  Most people can be friends with someone with a different religion.  Swingers have friend they don’t sleep with.  It’s not that big a deal.

Why not just ask if they are swingers and how that lifestyle has worked for them?  You can listen politely and perhaps learn a few things and then say you aren’t interested but are happy it works for them.  Hopefully you can still enjoy their company as friends.  Good luck.


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at  I’d love to hear from you!

Crappy sex, should I leave?

3 Jul

QUESTION: My sex life with my boyfriend of a year is dull because he only ever wants to have sex in the same position. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he shies away from intimate conversations. I love him and don’t want to end the relationship, but I can’t bear such routine love-making.


Dear Bored,

It’s sad when people have trouble addressing issues.  I think this is one that should be workable.  Have you told him how important it is that you have a fulfilling sex life?  This is different than suggesting different positions.  You need to make sure he understands the importance of the issue for you and that it may soon become a deal breaker.  How much experience does he have?  Is it significantly different than yours?  Maybe is self-conscious due to lack of experience.  It’s difficult for lots of people to talk about intimate acts.  I’m particularly talkative both during and after because I feel like communication aids you ability to become a fulfilling lover.  However for some of my lovers it’s very new to talk about sex at all.

Some people might feel like bad sex isn’t worth leaving a relationship over.  Personally I think unless you are in an open relationship when you can get your physical needs met elsewhere bad sex is a definite deal breaker.  Don’t feel bad for needing more than he is able to provide if it ends up going this way.  Good luck,


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at  I’d love to hear from you!

You need one of these three things to survive jealousy…

2 Jul

Lots of time I hear monogamous people ask how poly people deal with jealousy over other partners.   Typically after discussing compersion and the benefits we both get from multiple partners the conversation shifts to security.  How can you trust that your partner won’t run away with the hot guy from the gym or that cute waitress?  I tend to point out that these concerns aren’t just poly concerns since mono-relationships end similarly, but then I suggest there are three things that prevent jealousy from overwhelming you.  If you don’t have one of these three things I believe Polyamory isn’t for you.  You will never be able to let the love of your life enjoy new relationships.   This is particularly relevant for couples thinking of opening their relationship.

The three things are as follows:

Confidence in yourself.  This means you feel that you are an attractive, fun, caring partner worthy of love.  This means you value yourself and you know you offer something unique to your partner.  The shared experiences between the two have created a connection that is not easily replicated.  This confidence provides a buffer against worrying over other relationships.  You feel safe letting your partner explore because you know you are someone special.

Faith in your partner.   This means you believe with religious fervor in your partners ability to love you.  You don’t necessarily have the confidence in yourself.  You might not always be able to see in yourself what they see in you but you always trust that they love you and will give your relationship the respect and care it’s due.  In this situation you don’t mind them going out with other people because you believe that they will always be there for you and take care of your relationship.

Being a whole person on your own.  This means you can operate in the world and be happy on your own without a partner.  You understand that there are lots of people in the world and the loss of a partner doesn’t end your life (though it may feel like it sometimes).   This helps deal with jealousy because ultimately you understand that you will always be ok even if your existing partner leaves.  I’m not saying it won’t hurt and that you won’t cry a million tears (I have).  I’m just saying you will heal and even on your own you are fundamentally ok.

I’ve known people successful at poly relationship that have one or two of these three things.  I’ve also known a lot of monogamous couples who didn’t have these qualities, attempted to open the relationship and ended up leaving the relationship.  Hopefully you have a few of these traits and if not perhaps you can start cultivating them.  Good luck.


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at  I’d love to hear from you!

How much sex is enough?

1 Jul

QUESTION: A good friend is always going on about how much sex she has with her husband.  I’ve been with my partner for 14 years — like my pal and her spouse — and we’re lucky if we make love once a month (although it’s great when it happens). I’d blame it on our kids, but my friend has children, too. How can I stop feeling inadequate by comparison?


Dear Frustrated,

The issue isn’t your friend.  Him bragging is just the catalyst.  If he was an avid golfer and you didn’t much care for the sport would him bragging about his golfing performance bother you?  Probably not.  So the issue is he has touched on a subject that is a sore spot for you.  Presumably because YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE A MONTH.

The tone of your note suggests you would prefer more physical intimacy.  I suspect most people have physical desires for more than once a month sex.  Have you discussed this with your partner?  Do you know why you two don’t make time for one of the most fun, free connected activities with incredible health benefits?  You wouldn’t feel inadequate if you were happy with once a month sex. So go address the real root cause of the issue and have a conversation with your partner.  You should also stop being mad at your friend who just gets laid more than you but really means you no ill will and .   Good luck.


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at  I’d love to hear from you!

The thing about old flames is…

25 Jun

QUESTION: Eighteen years ago, before I met my husband, I was madly in love with a married man. We parted because he had young children. We lost touch, but recently he contacted me via Facebook.  He wants to meet ‘one last time’. I adore my husband and children, but long to relive that intense passion. How can I resist this appeal?


Dear Puzzled,

First read this on limerance.  You can’t even begin to address your issue if you don’t understand limerance.  What you had with your old flame is an infatuation.  It’s an amazing feeling and who wouldn’t want to experience that feeling over again.  Intense passion is a lot of fun so go easy on yourself for wanting to relive that part of your life.  That said it’s not in the same ballpark as what you have with your husband which is a loving long term partnership involving children.  That is as connected as it gets.  For poly folk we understand the difference between hot new passion and long term love and commitment.  If you do understand the difference it’s possible to have both so long as you always give your existing relationships the attention they deserve.

In your situation I would meet with your old flame if you like so long as you understand the boundaries of your existing relationship prevent you from fulfilling the desires that might come out of a meeting.  It might be nice to catch up.  Only do this if you are confident you can keep your head on straight.  Good luck.


If you would like a personal question answered directly please send me an email at  I’d love to hear from you!